I can’t think of anything worse than being with a guy that holds back nothing…. literally. There is a huge difference between a lie, a white lie and sugar coating. Now, I am not telling you to make things consistently sound better. That is what I would like to call phony bologna. What I am telling you is to spare us some of your details. We are not guys; we do not need to know everything. This is ESSENTIAL especially at the beginning. First impressions stick; don’t say I didn’t warn you. They can make you or break you.

When I say sugar coat, the most important things I beg of you to sugar coat for us are: Your bowel movements, what you did last night, what you did last week at 3am, how much you spent on your briefs, how much you make, how much you spend on first dates, your conversation with your ex, your conversation with your mom, the results from your doctors exam, how many cavities you have, how you broke up with your last girlfriend, what you think of most girls, which girls you think are sluts, when you were circumcised, how often you get shitty with the boys, what you do when you get shitty with the boys.

Please bare in mind these are EXAMPLES. I am not saying you do all of these things; this is simply the closest and briefest list I could come up with off the top of my head. If you are sitting reading this and you have a girlfriend of 3 years, I understand your relationship is a lot more open. However, there are still some things we never need to know- i.e. your bowel movements. We are ladies; times have changed… but not that much. We want to be treated like ladies, not a moose donkey. If you feel a large amount of gas coming on, excuse yourself, if you got shwasted last night and made out with a homeless lady- leave it at “I went out to grab some drinks with the boys”, if the girl your with asks you five more questions regarding exactly what you were doing, address her obnoxious probing right then and there because honey, it will only get worse later.

What I am telling you right now is KEY at the beginning of any relationship, date, hookup, whatever you want to call what your doing. I’m sorry to say, but guys- a lot of you are pigs. Thankfully with my advice you can conceal your pigginess and keep the girl of your dreams. You are human, we know you fart, burp, don’t wipe, eat off the ground and run around barefoot…. But we don’t need you to remind us about it. Treat the girl your out with like she is Kim Kardashian. Are you going to tell Kimmie you just spent all your money on a new Wii game and would rather eat somewhere cheap? No- you suggest a few places and let her pick! She will ultimately still feel like a bombshell when you give her options. Are you going to wave in excitement, as your getting into it and tell Kimmie you got the condom you have on for free from the gas station? No- sick. Most girls wouldn’t even notice the brand of condom your using. If by CHANCE, she actually asks where you got it- you say you got it from Planned Parenthood. This shows you’re responsible and smart. This is not lying- this is SUGAR COATING.

Maybe if you've been together for 2 years... But 3 dates later-- DEUCES!

 

So you can't afford to take us out this weekend? No biggie, we love pasta and a bottle of cheap wine... as long as you don't tell us.